Sta.sh
Attempted Suicide
He asked once, how could she be so selfish?
He asked once, how could she not think of her children?
He asked once, how could she not be aware of the pain she is inflicting?
He asked, how could she do this to me?
I said, that's not how it is.
I said, there is no selfish, there are no others; no children... no you. There is only darkness.
I said, only darkness and pain.
I said, ask her. And she says:
I walk on the edge of an abyss.
But I am ignorant of it.
I am a fool to feel safe. A fool, unaware.
I walk for a while, and everything is okay.
There's a path I follow, it leads straight, it seems wide.
The abyss always looms and I have to notice it.
It's always waiting now. Always in the corner of my mind.
I trick myself sometimes into thinking it's not there.
I distract myself along the path.
But one little stumble, the smallest of stones, and I am falling into it.
To start with I can catch myself, and drag myself back up.
Always I fall a little further.
Until one day I fall in completely.
I hit the depths and my body shatters.
The pain renders me incapable.
The darkness and fog cloud all vision and dream.
And I run, on and on and on.
I seek desperate escape; clawing, crying, dying, but never ending.
The darkness only envelops me further, cradling me in its shackles.
Then it dawns, the slightest ray of chilling hope, for there is only one escape that I can see.
And escape I must.
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Boggle has helped me so, SO, many times.
It shouldn't take that to get them to be like that, but unfortunately many people don't understand what they haven't suffered.
You are amazing, and strong, and a fighter I think. And I encourage you to maybe look into something like therapy too. It can be hard to do, and sometimes it can take a few to find one that fits you right, but they can help teach you coping mechanisms that might make you feel better then cutting. Because you deserve the best
I hope all goes well with you
At my worst, I was working and I would burst into tears in the middle of a conversation with a customer. I walked out several times because I couldn't handle it.
Of course people can't understand that :/ but there was nothing I could do at that point. I just had no control over the tears and how they made me feel.
If you ever want, I could PM you one of the things my therapist has me do when I feel like that?
The fact that you're still going speaks to how strong and amazing you are
Furthermore there is no gradual descent into suicide, there is however a gradual descent into insanity and/or harsher forms of depression.
Suicide is a binary value, which is why it goes wrong relatively often.
The significant other's cousin killed himself last year, naturally his family was devastated. They never knew, he seemed so happy etc and they were a close-knit, if geographically distant, family.
Recently at work, a security guard killed herself with her gun too and each time I ask "Why why why?" even as I feel a deep sense of compassion for their pain.
What you wrote paints for me what I think they must have felt. I only wish that I can understand even a little, so that if any one I know opens up to me about their depression, I will be able to understand.
You show me the scope of compassion people can have for each other and I really admire you. And you inspire and encourage me. Wanting to be there or understand people that have depression can be a really hard, emotional and even a tiring thing. But it's such a good thing, because it's so needed. So thank you for wanting that. And I'm so sorry about those people you know who ended their lives. I wish that that had never happened.